I love to journal. Writing (well in this case typing) my thoughts down always makes me feel better. It is really weird for me now that my journal is something everyone reads and can judge me by. I am not a good writer. I never have been. I was always in honors english and the essays were something that never came easy to me (I honestly don't know what I was doing in advanced english, but somehow I always got good grades). I once won an essay contest "3 things I can do to make America better" I got to eat a weird dinner at the smoke filled VFW for winning. I think I even got 50 dollars. The thing was though that my sister Cali helped me out. She's the writer, she can write wonderful stories. I always tease her that she is such a good writer...but it is true. I once read a story she wrote about us moving to Peru' for my talk in church. Tons of people said I should submit it to The New Era...yikes I never told them it was her story (cut me some slack I was like 12 years old). She should be the one that has a blog. She won't (although she has 4 little kids so I don't know if she would have time anyways). I started this blog and for 1 year I didn't get 1 comment...I didn't even tell anyone I had a blog. Whenever I feel weird I want to write about it...or sad...or happy. I always have had a journal...I have soo many pages of journal entries from my teenage years. I always thought I was "going to die" that is how dramatic things were for me. Anyways I am losing my train of thought...now here it is my journal. I really try not to edit what I write. I try to write things how they are, the good and the bad. But I still what my mom to think my blog is the "best ever" (hahaaa...no I know it isn't a competition). Maybe I am thinking about it too much. But I think I would like one of those DIARIES that have a lock on them. A place for only me. Does that make sense. I love having people read what is going on in my life. And I love reading what is going on in others. I love the sense of knowing my highschool friends kids names and what they are up to. It feels like that is how life should be. I should know these people and what they are doing. But sometimes...I feel like I just need a place to write to just me. I guess that is what all my inner dialogue is for...and let me tell you I HAVE ALOT. I don't think it is normal for me to talk to myself as much as I do. I feel like J.D. on scrubs. (yeah I know I watch too much TV) Thinking about it more...I don't know if a diary with a lock would do any good anyways. Those things that said...for so and so's eyes only...that never worked. People always find a way to look in people's diarys. I would hide mine under my mattress (reaal original...I know) in highschool and still it would be read by probably everyone in my family that still lived at home. I think that if you don't want people to read it don't write it. There were always those things I wrote down when I was little that I would want to burn a month later. So maybe this is better. Maybe my deepest thoughts are meant to be just that. Anyways enough venting...
Today Oliver kept saying "Now I am missing out on all the fun!" when we had to go home from Cali's house. He is so old.
Rob also has started kissing me again. I just acted cool...like I didn't care...like I wasn't so desperate for his love. And just like that he loved me again. He is the king of ignoring. I feel so sorry for his girlfriends someday.
We had a nice day today...Sam was in town with the twins. Everytime I see her I can't believe that she is a mom of two babies. Yikes...(oh man I think I said yikes in this blog twice...that isn't good) it must be so hard being her. She is amazing. I went with Justin to Costco to print out the wedding announcement pictures. It was so weird being gone all day without my kids. Seriously...especially at costco where they are always freaking out on me and screaming "SAMPLES". Justin and I ordered every food item (except the salad) Costco serves in their deli and we sat and shared. We have the exact same taste in food. It is crazy how just being brother and sister makes us want ketchup only on our hotdog. It is great having family around. I am greatful for that.
I also wanted to write that for 4 days now I have been off of my steroids. Off completely. That is a big deal for me. I started on them a year ago this week. It is really hard to be on them. It is funny because one of the main reasons you can't be on them long term is "early onset osteoperosis" is one of the side effects, also a cancer called Kaposi's sarcoma was found in some patients...honestly there were others I was WAY more worried about:
headache,difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep, inappropriate happiness (that one doesn't sound too bad), extreme changes in mood, changes in personality(that could be interesting...a roll of the dice I guess), BULGING EYES (hello worst ever), acne, thin, fragile skin, red or purple blotches or lines under the skin, slowed healing of cuts and bruises, increased hair growth (by this they mean facial hair), changes in the way fat is spread around the body, extreme tiredness, weak muscles, BUFFALO HUMP (that is my FAVORITE....described as a fat pad that is caused by too much cortisone in your system. It occurs at the base of the neck between the shoulder blades...come on really now...A buffalo hump....no that is the worst ever), heartburn, increased sweating (really can't we catch a break), and last but not least, swelling of the eyes, face, lips, tongue, throat, arms, hands, feet, ankles, or lower legs.
I am SOOOOOOOO excited to be off this stuff. I have been so lucky and didn't suffer from any of those things. It would be kinda awesome if I could go to my 10 year High school reunion with, acne, facial hair, and A BUFFALO HUMP though. In all seriousness though I am really lucky...I see people all the time at my rheumatologist office have a really round face...they call it moon face...it looks like someone got stung by a bee and their face swelled up. I was supposed to "stay away" from carbs and salt while I was on this. WHOOOPS. I am greatful now though to be off of it. Yeah for me. It is a big milestone.
2 days ago