his shirt says "mommy loves me"...I sure do.
That is my finger there up by his armpit...he is so small.
I have been wanting to post all week...and have had so many thoughts and feelings that I wanted to write down. Somehow I didn't though.
This has been a hard year for us. Starting with Cortney getting hit by a car...till now. I think the hardest we have ever had. Throughout the tough times though, we have pulled together and become even better friends. Even through all the stress we have been happy. Everyday. We realize how blessed we are. Just the opportunity to be pregnant again was a wonderful thing. I would always think to myself on especially hard days, a lot of people would do anything to be pregnant...be grateful. And I was.
I bonded earlier than usual with the baby in my tummy, I just really loved him from the beginning. When I found out something wrong, and had to start monitoring his every movement, I really came to cherish every single roll and stretch that he did. Every hiccup was a sign that he was still alive and well. I won't lie...the last 4 weeks have been some of the most stressful ever, it was really hard. But I would lie in bed and hold my tummy he would move and I would be calm.
When I was getting ready to push Theo out, I started crying. I didn't know if I was ready, I was scared. Overwhelmed. It was the moment of truth and I just wanted everything to be okay. You can see my relief in the pictures after he was born. He had made it alive, he was crying and breathing, and he was that baby that I already loved. He was here. It was such an emotional day.
I looked at him and he looked normal. (I don't know what I was looking for, but he looked just like my other kids) They cleaned him up and left him in my room for the rest of the day. I was in shock. Where were the tubes?? Why wasn't he whisked away when he was born like I thought. I had prepared myself for the worst and hadn't prepared myself for the fact that I might just have him with me like it was no thing.
I have said before that I wasn't nursing this time. I went back and forth on it, but in the end decided it would be best for both of us if I were healthy. It was so different giving the baby a bottle in the hospital. I won't lie though, I liked it. I miss nursing so much. And my hormones have been CRAZY. But when you have a tinsy tiny baby, it is nice to know they are getting milk. I can count the ounces. I like that.
The next morning Theo had a brain ultrasound, so they could get a more detailed look at what we were dealing with. My nurse came back to me afterwards with the baby and showed me the radiologists report. I just saw it for one split second, but there were the words...written by a doctor...Normal brain ultrasound. Theo's brain looked normal to the radiologist. Even the tech told the nurse that he didn't see a real difference in size in the left and right cerebellum.
I saw Theo's brain in probably 8 different ultrasounds in utero. With 3 different doctors all finding the same results.
My baby was healed.
When the nurse showed me the papers...I didn't believe it. I didn't understand. How could that be possible? I asked the doctor the next morning as he did rounds...he said the brain looked just fine.
I told Cortney the morning we left to the hospital to have Theo, "Well Cort, we either believe in all of this fasting and praying or we don't...and we do." We knew that morning when we left that things were going to go just as they were supposed to go.
I was so overwhelmed by the amount of people we had praying for us. My little nieces and nephews were fasting for us. Oliver fasted for us. Cousins, aunts and uncles, brothers and sisters, parents, friends, neighbors, ward members, grandparents. I could feel the prayers, and support I really could. And you know what...it worked.
All last month I taught sharing time and the lessons were about Prayer, with the last 2 weeks centered around "Heavenly Father hears and answers my prayers". As I struggled through that time of unknowing it was such a blessing to be teaching these basic gospel principles to the children.
"Ask, and it shall be given unto you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you." 3 Nephi 14:7
I just kept remembering this scripture and telling the kids that if they ask it shall be given them. I knew the same applied to me.
I am so grateful for the reminder of the little simple things. Thankful for the opportunity to have the faith of a little child, and just believe.
While we were in the hospital we learned a little more about the CMV virus that I had tested positive for (I won't lie I was freaking out). Turns out I didn't test positive with the virus, but I tested positive for antibodies that mean I have had the virus at some point in my life. This would only be dangerous for Theo if I got the virus while I was pregnant with him. So we talked to our doctor, who talked to the infectious diseases doctor, and they decided to have Theo tested for the virus. If he had it, it can cause all kinds of birth defects, from mental retardation to hearing loss. Not only that but he would be a carrier of the disease and wouldn't be able to be around pregnant women. Everyone everywhere is pregnant. I needed to know if he had this or not. I didn't want to be passing it on. They took FOUR samples of pee. Spilling the first one and losing the second. They even had to place a catheter to get it. Poor baby. I got the results back yesterday for that test. It said NOT DETECTED.
I felt like I could finally blog about his health. Here he was totally normal just small. The things I am dealing with are just the preemie kind of things you deal with. Even then he is doing so much better then most 4 lb babies out there. The kids a SUPERSTAR I am telling you.
I took him to the doctor on monday, everything looked great. He weighed in at 4 lbs 5 oz. Still down an ounce from his birth weight but up from when he was released at 4 lbs 3 oz. He is eating good. He is peeing good. The only thing they are worried about now is his body temperature is low. I went in again on Tuesday and it was even lower. The nurse in the office said she hardly ever sees a baby that small out of the hospital. We feel more than lucky here.
PHEWWW that is a lot of reading to get to the end of this.
For now I am just staying in my house. No store, no fun, just me and the boys inside waiting around. Waiting for Theo to get bigger and not be so fragile.
My ward has totally been taking care of me with meals. I feel so humbled and blessed. I also feel loved.
It has been such an emotional roller coaster. I can't believe he is here. He is amazing.
A miracle...that is for sure. Prayer works. I am so grateful for yours.